American Roulette
A Proposal for a National Lottery
To fund an AR-15 buyback program
By
Emmanuel Burgin
“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.”
After much consternation and contemplation, I have concluded that fewer guns are a good thing. Therefore, I put forth a proposal as an answer to the proliferation of guns in our society.
I propose an AR-15 buyback program funded by a national lottery to be called American Roulette.
The lottery allows each participant to select a city or town in which they believe the next mass shooting will take place. A mass shooting, according to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, is four or more victims. If there are no winners, the pot will roll into the following week’s lottery et cetera until a lucky participant wins.
Foreseeing the case of multiple winners, participants will also pick the number of deaths and casualties and the subcategory of adults and children (twelve and under). Gender could also be a subcategory, et cetera. Such tie breakers can be added ad nauseam to ensure a winner. However, consideration to the participant must be given as to not make it too difficult and damper the enthusiasm of a noble cause.
Such details can be refined by those better qualified than myself. I suggest appointing specialists from ongoing state lotteries.
To prevent fraud, the shooter and members of the shooter’s family and all close associates to the shooter are disqualified as to not have their finger on the scale. Again, the lottery professionals can iron out the details.
I propose that one and a half percent of the revenue (as it is done with the California lottery to aid the educational system), be used to form a super-Pac for which its purpose is to fund not only public representatives who vow to implement tougher gun laws but concurrently fund efforts to defeat those who are unwilling to help America in her time of need.
If this were to seem too political, then the said percentage could go to our most vulnerable, the children, by purchasing body armor for every child between kindergarten and Junior High. If the lottery becomes successful and all indications are that it will then perhaps extend the protection to the high schoolers.
In the end, it is a win-win situation. The availability of weapons of war will be significantly diminished. Gun owners will see their trove of guns as newfound income and consequently inject capital into the economy, our children will be safer, and the lottery winner will have secured a means to a bright future in America where opportunity awaits to reward those who work hard and are lucky enough to avoid a premature death.
God Bless America. God Bless American Roulette.